The arena of couplehood and marriage are extremely central to mental development in adult life. The development will also occur through the ability to reach a better and more complete unity within them, which may later allow separation-individuation and connection to the self of both members of the couple. Reaching the separated self will be more possible within a relationship through its unity, which is fraught with Projection and missing primary needs at the beginning. The development will continue through the process of separation and the taking of all the components of the projection between the couple members, each to himself as they become more aware of themselves, including the Self-uniqueness of the unity in which they were.
It must be borne in mind that unity and separateness, which are two complex concepts, can change and are dynamic in the human psyche because they are continuous life needs, are also necessary for existence, also essential for life situations, and sometimes even critical and are also extremely necessary for mental development throughout life.
Unity and separateness are elements that are supposedly opposite but also complement each other and are also an integral part of the human psyche, on the one hand in, different and complex forms it is necessary for a person to be in unity, to be in a couple, to belong, to be part of… And on the other hand, the need is in different ways to be apart to be an autonomous and unique oneself.
And because of the change and development that the human personality and psyche undergo throughout life, and especially in our time, these become dynamic and changing needs but are also specifically influenced by the human personality and its unique structure. – Everyone needs unity or separation to a different degree and in a different way.
Therefore, we will remember that unity and separation are also changing needs in periods of life, in life roles, in leaving roles, and in entering new roles. And they will always be attached to us ourselves but also touch others around us.
These are different needs in childhood, adulthood, parenting, and mid-life, and their intensity changes again in old age and received at the end to protect our hearts from a new shade of the beginning of life .
And of course, also in therapy, in therapeutic relationships, these needs will arise dynamically in different periods of therapy. We should not be alarmed by the needs that arise in the therapy for a unity, the fears that sometimes flood, the very need that arises, and we should not shy away from the therapeutic necessity to work on separateness, independence but often precisely on unity as part of a central process in the therapeutic relationship that is mutual, even if asymmetrical.
And when we talk about the two together, unity versus separateness, it is necessary to emphasize and explain first what is that optimal unity – also in therapy, which can be a sufficient basis for the separateness that will follow, what is the emerging unity and the good that it creates a basis. You all probably know, but we will reiterate.
All early relationships of mother and child parents begin with a developing unity, starting with the Uroboric symbiosis (which has first a numinous one, the archetypical pulsation), interdependence, towards unity, and reciprocity, even if asymmetrical of the mother of a child.
In the same primary unity, there is the development of relationships, in which a kind of primary separation is slowly being formed, so that the transition to separateness is always complex and has different and important stages and usually depends on the other.
From an interdependent symbiosis – the need of the mother for the baby and the baby for the mother, who is in love with the beloved and the beloved for the partner, to the joint unity of two complementary roles with the separation of the self of each one!
The transition to separation in the future is processive, it is supposed to be reciprocal and prepares the child and the mother for a separation that is not disengaged! For leaving positions and transitioning. From an even numinous archetypal influence (a mother-child bond as an archetype with power and excitement beyond) that acts on all partners to human and personal reciprocity, in which each side builds itself and forms itself!
The mother, especially the child, is an asymmetrical process but certainly mutual. As in therapy in which conditions and dynamics of unity occur, asymmetrical reciprocity in which there is development.
And now, let's move on to marriage – I focus on couplehood as a field of unity and later separation as part of individuation.
I would also like to mention in this Jungian forum how important the archetypal perspective is in understanding life processes, including the field of marriage and relationships. Suppose the archetypal dimension has not been properly personalized on the subject, a variable that depends on on parents,nts. In that case, the relationship may raise reactions and expectations, inevitably disappointments and sometimes even demonization.
In the marriage-couple arena (of any kind) where today we will concentrate on my lecture and relate to the arena in terms of relationship and friendship and not from the part of the arrangement (Jung- Marriage as an… – Human Relationships))
And which today appears as a mental field of creating unity and gradual development towards separation. The essence of primary unity, its nature, and its effectiveness as an interpersonal experience in a couple is extremely important. Whether unity was created or was it only a temporary, sexual, artificial, imagined illusion that was not established.
All this, when partners at the beginning of their common path normally, are not always consciously still, complementing, missing, and ending object relationships other than self or even experiencing unfinished separations. Sometimes the couple enters a symbiosis of mutual acceptance of deficiencies, a symbiosis of which has a central role in their relationship.
.
Or, alternatively, motives of rescue, help, or pressure and coercion arise on the part of a partner to get out of previous family ties. And sometimes, the use of another is created to compensate for an inferior function or the completion of a tendency by a partner.
And regarding the symbiosis in marriage, a connection that is sometimes more than just an emotional or existential dependence, but a dependence that is also accompanied by roles, is associated with the attachment of rescue.
But dependence, which is also accompanied by roles, is associated with the attachment of joint rescue and creates a situation from which it will be more difficult to go out into separation-individuation – if at all! Especially that we will see later that the need for separation (and the intention is not only freedom to be alone, to be free of the burden of commitment)) is not always a reciprocal and unsymmetrical need and does not operate according to the laws of unity… And sometimes conflictual within the person himself.
And the question of how to predict the future of the relationship is aimed at creating unity is: how much the unitary relationship that develops, meets the expectations of love and eros, fulfills the deprivations, the completions, other than the self, the redemption, the abandoned child. The rescues of the spouse: either from the father figure or the mother figure, that is, the expectations!
In psychological words, the extent to which the complexes, especially the autonomous ones, which lead to divisions-split instead of unity, operate here and how much this unity is forming, undergoing a correction, and will develop into a unitary infrastructure and later grow into the ability to reach separateness.
In my experience, in couples in which there is a symbiotic contract, in which the interdependence is complementary and fixed as such, the couple will find it difficult to reach a developed basic unity and will certainly find it difficult to get through the transition to separateness if they do not grow slightly within the so-called unitary relationship. Or there may be a frustrating symbiotic dependence that will not work beyond the months of infatuation that will all remain essentially projective.
There is no escape in marriage; there is a need for established unity first, a type of marital togetherness that includes, among other things: trust, love, engagement, sex, compassion, concern and mutual help, mutual organization, satisfaction (and not lack of trust, excessive possessiveness, jealousy, competition and great frustration of expectations with a lot of criticism) a relationship in which there is a need for each other and satisfaction, but also an ability in listening and mutual learning, Ability to relate to the other and to learn oneself through relationships and in front of the other. And what does it mean? The beginning of a proper marriage can be spoken of as acting according to the rules of unity which are different from the rules of separation-individuation.
We will return to the basis of couplehood in marriage and try to see them first in a reductive filter of childhood, also as a kind of repetition of the initial ties (or an escape from them) but no less so of different and different added value, with a perspective of coexistence for the future: the creation of a unit of love and engagement, livelihood and existence, usually of a place for raising children, family, mingling with other families, complexes of families and relationships imagination and difference, and who knows what….
As we have said, as young people, the relationship is still full of unmet needs, fears of wishes, idealization, and sometimes a numinous or demonic experience of the relationship, of love and sexuality. The enormous desire for unity and yet sometimes the fear, the need for freedom, the caution, and the difference in the kind of unity that is expected,
Economic security, general stability, everything related to physical existence, and with all that,
the reference to the inner child of the other
The complete inseparability from the parents and the initial object of love and the relationship that was or was not resolved with them, even if it is in one of the couple members, will cause problems in the relationship or even a primeval fear of love and intimacy. Alternatively, they will be filled with ideal wishes, the search for maximum interdependence, or even the symbiosis of interdependence. Sometimes it is difficult that unity is not resolved, full of complexity, and causes serious problems in marriage.
What I would like to emphasize today, and it is important to understand and be aware: what is unity in marriage, how it will be formed and developed, and how the nature of this will affect the development of capacity or crisis in the acquisition of the inevitable full separateness as part of individuation. And in general, what is and what will be its nature in the future.
For those involved in relationships and their treatment, it is important to understand what kind of unity will be created at the beginning of a relationship and what kind of separation will develop or can develop later.
The need for unity, harmony in relationships and marriage – the components (acting according to the personal)
First, the sex and the Eros as the holder and symbol of the physical and mental unity, the primary glue.
The "familial" integration with the wider family and the mutual acceptance of the similarities and differences.
The emergence of children as a strengthener of unity creates commitment but is also challenging as bringing new tensions associated with separate unity… Sometimes coalitions and counterforces and in favor of one of the parents.
The ability to love over time and not just look for excitement (sublimation of Eros in love and not just in excitement) – someone says I'm bored in marriage, doesn't feel any engagement.
The ability to give space to each other, with the need for freedom, aloneness, and time for themselves.
And in any case, when unity is created with all its problems, because of personal needs of freedom, separateness, and individuality, it must undergo development and reach over time a good unity and then later on, the greater need for
complex separateness appears that is part of individuation, and this is the process that we are talking about:
The need for separateness and separation-individuation
Within the same unity created in a relationship, there is always a need, at least for one of the two, for some separation, separately, for certain freedom because the need for unity is never symmetrical. But the need for separation changes over time and takes the form of a psychological personal need – to be myself, associated with individuation – different from individuality.
Separation as opposed to the need for freedom, from air to breath from being alone from time to time to myself, etc. Because in need of freedom, there is not necessarily a process of reaching oneself. The need to be self-increases over time. And about that need for separateness, that is the separation toward the self, which has other rules, which I would like to expand.
So how from that unity of marriage and its components: commitment, family, children, conscious and unconscious agreements and contracts, it is possible to reach the same separateness, in which there is a need to reach the self and connect to our lost parts that are discarded, disconnected, repressed. Those parts to which the difficulty of connecting even if unknowingly has to do with the partner.
I already hint that this is a personal process that is usually accompanied by crises of interpersonal contracts that need to be violated, disharmoniously, with different expectations from both members of the couple: one is looking for this separateness right now while the other is still in unity and its rules, not at all ready! One already wants to get out of the symbiosis or dependent and complementary relationship and the other perhaps with a complex of abandonment or rejection.
Since these are rules of separation, the asymmetry of two people in the axis self is themselves, not just the self or the child within them!! (The pivot I squared works here). People who have been in unity sometimes dependent and sometimes even symbiotic, which even to this day has served both now and sometimes suddenly, bring friction, quarrels, disappointments, betrayals, or a feeling of acting-out betrayal can become the symptom of the individuation problems generated.
We will remember that when the need for the individuation of one of the members of the couple suddenly arises, it is not just freedom, time for myself or a little to be alone! But a need that sometimes attacks the person, the violation, threat, and tension for unity is already created, even if it seems relatively good.
It should be remembered that the need for individuation – our Jungian super-concept, which according to Jung, occurs within a relationship, does not come moderately and patiently and is not always symmetrical
and at the same time in both partners and therefore creates a major problem of imbalance, asymmetry, and disharmony.
It is a need that threatens the initial basic unity summarized as an unwritten contract of what is given, what functions, and what contains and is received.
The more unity is built on a choice with a connection to the self and not from other needs, economic, interest-oriented, narcissistic, childish, or as a kind of way out of the parents, home, etc., it will allow more separation from the self later.
And the more mature, less projective, more inclusive it is of the others and needs of the couple, a connection to the self of each one, recognition of each other, stable and giving space, we will also expect to see a better and more moderate and less shocking development.
Towards true separateness is part of the personal individuation of each one. The relationship will become a kind of inter-subjective that each one will discover and become acquainted with the other part.
In the Japanese film " the driver of Mr. Yosuke," you can see an outstanding young couple whose symbiotic dependence is beautiful and special and allows shared creativity. Still, it does not withstand the dimension of time… And there is no place for a child in it. The man who is a director is dependent on the woman's imagination, and she depends on the realistic dimension of the publishing and acting of the man. Their child does not survive, and the couple reaches the exhaustion of the relationship until the man who directs later through his leadership realizes his detachment from the part of the leading anima within him, a detachment that does not allow him individuation and acceptance of the self.
In individuation to the axis of the Ego- self, it is observed to reach a kind of separation that has as few consequences as possible and the use of the other, as much connection as possible to lost parts, as little dependence and fear of being alone, as much as possible the need to be in inter-subjective relationships that give space to the other, as few complexes as possible that are raised through the relationship and overwhelm the person.
And therefore, we will define a complete separation: it is a connection of the human being to the best of his parts, parts of the anima, shadow, and complexes that have become less autonomous. The ability to relate to the other is extremely important and is made from a separate position, the ability to connect emotionally or thoughtfully. An achievement of separateness in which there is both recognition and gratitude in what you have received from the other with whom you have lived in a unity that is sometimes dependent and using, sometimes projective and inseparable. Also, because of your needs.
Separation -individuation is the process achieved within the marriage couple (and perhaps not only)
In marriage or a relationship, the concept and process of separation means that, with the development towards separation, a deep understanding and awareness of the essence of the relationship during the period of unity is needed and added. What was this choice, what is in it that we chose, what did it cost and what did it serve, what led to the choice: circumstances, family, pressures, interests, etc., etc. As for myself:
The observation and understanding of what was in the unity kept us in a symbiotic dependence or other necessary satisfactions. What I received and gave was why I was in this relationship. A process with taking responsibility and not a victim's position, not a vengeful or angry attitude. While these emotions may be accompanied, they don't always help with deep insights.
To achieve proper separation in a couple or marriage relationship, it is necessary to understand the connection and the unity, even if it is problematic or super problematic. The true separateness is to take responsibility while understanding. Separation is not achieved only by leaving the relationship, only separation or divorce, detachment or only from the guilt of a victim or the casting of the shadow.
Although perhaps sometimes it is survival to get out of context, this is not a real separation.
That is why I want to emphasize and clarify what I mean by separation in a relationship, in marriage:
Just as unity was complex, separation is also a complex situation with maximum awareness of why and for what purpose unity was, even if it were sick, but what was built of and what is my part in it. What I received and with what I agreed, and for what purpose. And how all this relates to me: shadow, anima, animus, or complexes.
A true separation with an individual form consists of a broader awareness of oneself and what unity you have been! What characterized the unity in marriage is part of the sublime separation, should not be separated.
Divorce, separation of the package, unilateral exit without approaching myself: shadow anime complexes animus inner child, etc., without awareness but only in overcoming, will not lead to separation or as a development – as a personality mental state for the future.
My argument is that the very fact of reaching separateness entails the understanding of unity and its nature and is not a separate state of mind.
Couples go out, separate, and divorce without realizing their unity and the unitary problematics they had and think that they move directly to separateness …
The separation of the relationship or marriage you have reached is an inseparable part of the unity of the marriage where you created or participated in the unity of which the complexes were part, the needs, the lost parts, the parts of the object, and more. And from this is also created the separateness including integrative awareness.
In conclusion:
.
Relationships as an arena for mental development are central to adult life, and the ability for better and more complete unity and the separation and connection of the self is possible through its unity and with the difficulties and challenges it poses regarding unity and separation of other components.
As a continuation of the initial unity starting from the initial unity – uroboric and the unresolved or unresolved object relations, we create the unity of marriage or couplehood that is the next important mental developmental arena in life. We even try to develop or improve and correct it in a relationship, in marriage, sometimes successfully, sometimes in a frustrating compulsive repetition that overshadows the marriage or even ends it. But if it is a successful unity, it prepares us for the possibility of easier separation later.
Similar to then in childhood, from childhood and the primary object relations and under their influence, we created the initial separation – the separation, a process that often without awareness and a conscious connection to the self, continued into marriage and adult relationships, sometimes matured and resolved and sometimes created chaos and problems in the marriage… And from the marriage or prolonged relationship, we will later create the high separation, a process in which, from the couple's life, we connect to the self or the axis of ego-self, a process that is part of our individuation.
Posted on May 27, 2022, by Avi Baumann
In memory of my parents
Their wedding night was in April 1943, in Givat Shimron, Jezreel Valley:
: Dad wrote to Mom
I was betrothed to you by tears
not according to decree or omen
It's not in the divinity hostel that I do this
After all, mothers are led to the death
Witnesses are green spring fields
In them, the flowers of the blood of the Maccabees intertwine.