As the birth also the death is a critical point that our control is limited
Uncertainty leads to helplessness, anxieties ,and huge need for control is taking place. o
As the birth also the death ,are both two phenomena that arouse a new difficult dynamics in the family of which often accompanies intense conflicts and flooding of unconscious materials of which are long repressed.
As the birth also death has two faces and can bring changes ,appeasements and mutual acceptance.
The death of family member and his fate in his last days, is getting more and more to the authorization of the family members.
That authorization to the family ,includes decision making as; bringing in of caregivers to be the helping hand, home hospitalization or hospital yes or no, this or that treatment, decisions about family's enlistment and how much, resources distribution includes financial ,and how much. This division of liability is a great burden on the family members.
That is a very deep and complex process of which conscript from the family members readiness to devote themselves, to give, to invest ,to sacrifice and even a need to save. And this happens , family members are ready to sacrifice day and nights and is expecting from other family members to do the same.
Within this devotion, self-sacrifice days and nights and the goodwill, we find ourselves very quickly in a storm of emotions, anger, disappointments and a tendency of some members to be insulted or hurts by other members.
Those strong feelings are directed to the other that are caring, mostly brothers and sisters.
Those negative feelings of disappointments, anger and even rage, that are coming up ,are surprising in their intensity and are changing the whole accompanies of the dearests ,sometimes to a weave of struggling and battling.
The family storms are tiring and amazing in their intensity, and are the indication that something here is connected to a very loaded point of life that is affecting every family member.
Because we are talking about a great fear of terminal loss, and loss from the last chance to heal, to restore, a sense of urgency is created.
As if what we haven't done till now, will be staying with us forever, as an eternal discomfort; As if what we haven't cure or will cure, haven't fill or will fill, will stay with us as an eternal wound or as a black hole.
This situation of the downfall of a dying parent, his bodily functioning and his mental and consciousness is creating a vacuum which sucks in ,unfulfilled needs and arouses unresolved conflicts.
There could be rapid flooding of competition and revelry on the parent's love and his preferences between the brothers and sisters, and a lot of ancient discrimination sense.
Fights over control and decision making, can be a great part of this scene, which of its base is the big question, who is more important to the parent or who is the one to decide, who will get the medallion of the parent's smile in his last hours. Or in whose arms the parent will die.
From this sinking of a parent, there could also be the beginning of the financial struggle on the background of those hidden emotional factors like emotional discrimination, compensation about love absence or love deficiency.
Besides of course lucre which can be in itself a problem.
In this process, an ideal image of the perfect dying can be created, an image which can be different from one one person or the other and will cause a disagreement or even fight.
Those conflicts, are especially strong in the light of the bodily and psychic suffering, and the weakening of consciousness of the dying. The fact that the ill, dying person has not opinioned of his own, as was in the past, enabled the other to project and to imagen what he wanted.
Everybody on his image of what mother or father wanted; "mother said that and that to me," and to me, she said "something different"! Everyone with his version.
Guilt feelings are inevitable feelings in the process of accompanied a dying parent.
Generally speaking, it would be extraordinary to find someone who hasn't felt that he hurt ,frustrated or disappointed the parent sometimes in the past or at present ,in one way or another.
In additionally, the strong effort and the burn-up in this tormenting process ,can intensify death wishes or wishes to accelerated death,wishes that can arouse the circle of guilt feeling.
Everyone is coping with those feeling in his way; some will do it by repression ,and project it on the other. Others will be angry and even full of rage at the sick person. Others will fall into a depression and self-blaming that can cause avoidance of seeing the patient.
Some will cope with their guilt by obsessive-compulsive behavior ,which will cause them to to be perfectionists by trying to do too much which can bring harm.
So or so Guilt fillings can bring a lot of stress to the family members.
Underneath and beyond, we all know, that in all of us the primeval fear of not to be, of the death, and the unknown is dwelling, and the death of someone else especially a family member, is always a reminder to our finiteness.
This encounter with the terror in its embodiment, is stricken us and shake all our routine life patterns: of sleeping, eating, Joie de vivre (life joy) ,concentrating, and our relation to our surrounding.
This 'witch-hunt 'can trickle to the Patient bed and can harden his departure.
The patient despite his critical condition, can not loosen his grip on life before he fixes something in his family.
As everything in life so is, the accompany of a family member to his death has two faces and can also bring an development.
That stage,can bring us closer to a deep acceptance of life ending in general and our ending in particular . it can bring us a broader perspective of what is important . It can broad our ability for compassion and containment . can bring more patience to distresses ,to needs. Ego states ,can get their right place, and settling account from the past can also belittle.
Beyond everything, there is in such a period a huge importance to the continuity of relationships with family members, readiness to ask for help, acceptance, and understanding of the other's differences, in their needs, in their perception, in their wishes which are different than ours.
All this can be an opportunity to strengthen and for reconnecting relationships which were cut off in the life process.
Sometimes it seems that experiences that started with a lot of difficulty turn on to be a mutual coping and even brought together family members that were far from one another.